I have said many times before, but I cannot say it often enough: Discipline is leadership. It is not punishmentship, rewardship, or consequenceship.

It is the process by which parents transform a self-centered child who thinks he rules the universe into a disciple — a child who will look up to them, subscribe to their values and follow their lead.

The principles that define effective leadership do not change from one leadership environment to another. Leadership is leadership. If you know how to lead in a business setting, then you know how to lead a child. In this regard, effective leaders are not defined in terms of how well they manipulate consequences. First and foremost, they are effective communicators. They communicate such that the people they lead believe in them, in their mission and in themselves. Thus, effective leaders bring out the best in people. In addition, they are decisive. They say what they mean and they mean what they say.

So, when a parent tells me that their child "won't take no for an answer," I know that the problem is not with the child. I know I am talking to a parent who cannot stand firm in the face of the child's displeasure. This is a parent who, as is the custom nowadays, has encouraged the child to gamble on tantrums. As is the case with adult slow learners and slot machines, a child who finds that tantrums pay off 20 percent of the time will continue to throw tantrums.

I enjoy taking polls in my audiences, which are not a cross-section of American parents, but a cross-section of American parents who want to be the best parents they can be. Generally, they are people who don't mind when I step on their toes. One such poll is in two parts:

Part 1: "Raise your hand if you can say, without the slightest qualification or reservation, that your children know when you say no, you mean no."

In a recent audience of some 150 in Atlanta, no one raised a hand. Even in much larger audiences, no more than one or two hands will rise.

Part 2: "Raise your hand if your parents would have raised their hands a moment ago."

In Atlanta, as is always the case, more than half of the folks raised a hand, to which I said, "You were undoubtedly a less stressful and more well-behaved child than is your child or children, not because your parents manipulated consequences more effectively, but because when they took a stand, they stood firm. Likewise, the problems you are having with your children are not going to be solved by behavior modification strategies. They are going to begin coming around when you begin behaving more like your parents ... like an effective leader."

Today's parents, by and large, do not like to upset their children and often act as if they're running for office. As we look toward the 2008 elections, we should keep in mind that politicians do not often make good leaders, whether of adults or children.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.