Ring! Ring! Click.

Aloha, you've reached the place where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not here now.

Please don't count on a speedy reply, though. I'm a very busy man.

I'm on vacation and you're not on my list.

Envy me if you want, it's OK. I'm traveling to Hawai'i Kai, where the resort attractions offer an honest sweat.

More often than not, my vacations are a working break. I like it this way, but you probably wouldn't.

A lot of people take exotic trips. That sure sounds nice.

One of my friends took his family to London, where there was a bombing, and another friend took his family to Israel, where a war broke out.

Truth be told, last summer I even took a short trip. Second Child and I went to Maui for a soccer tournament.

I had to drive a van.

My typical vacations are nearly always about catching up with chores and projects I've been too busy to deal with during the rest of the year. Life goes by so fast these days that I need to take a break just to stay even. A normal weekend is rarely enough time to do anything but yard work, attend two or three soccer games and a practice, and then surf.

So when I have a vacation, I consult The List. It's my playbook. I'm a slave to it, you know, but in a good way.

The List will hover at the edge of my consciousness for several weeks as my vacation approaches, a slowly growing novella of possibilities.

Some people imagine tourist sights. As my vacation begins, I'm often dreaming of small gas-powered engines, restoring order and self-improvement.

This vacation is no different.

I want to trim the bougainvillea.

I want to fix the chainsaw, then lop branches off that stupid autograph tree.

I would like to weed-whack until I run out of plastic line. Then I want to buy some more line.

When that's done, I hope to mow the lawn, fertilize it, clean the fish tank, wash the cars and check their oil, change my car's wiper blades, download songs to my iPod, get a haircut, have my cholesterol checked, work out every day, get up early and edit my friend's manuscript, drive The Little Darlings to soccer practice in the afternoon and see a movie with Mrs. G. in the evening.

Or rent a movie. That way if we fall asleep before it ends, we can finish watching it the next day.

Did I forget anything? I'll be off for a whole week.

Well, if you still want to leave a message, go ahead. Tell me your name and I'll put you on my list.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com.