"I wouldn't want to bother him."

"I don't want her to think I'm incompetent."

"I can do it better myself anyway."

Everyone has a reason to avoid asking for help — even when it's really needed. But the excuses need to stop because we hurt ourselves and the people around us when we don't ask for assistance, says the author of a new "anti-self-help" book.

"When you're asking for help, you reveal your authentic self," says M. Nora Klaver, author of "Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need" (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2007, $15.95).

"People feel like they can trust you. ... If you have a good relationship already, it deepens it, and you can create a relationship with a mere stranger just by asking for help."

What Klaver calls "making the ask" helps us connect with other people and be more open with family, friends and co-workers. Don't think of seeking help as a last resort, she says; making it an everyday habit makes your life better.

Still, asking for help is difficult in a society that so highly values independence. In a survey for her book, Klaver found that seven out of 10 people had wanted to ask for help sometime in the last week, but had kept mum.

"There's still a stigma in society that accepting help is considered a weakness or a character flaw," says Carlene Quinn, a professor at the Indiana University School of Social Work.

The classic stereotype is the man who drives his protesting family around and around because he staunchly refuses to stop and ask for directions. But waiting too long to ask for help can lead to darker scenarios such as addiction, depression and bankruptcy.

Mark Zuckerberg makes his living providing the kind of help people never want to ask for.

"Nobody wants to meet me," says the Indianapolis consumer bankruptcy attorney. "They make a couple of appointments before they actually show up because they don't want to admit they have a problem."

Half of his appointments are no-shows because people irrationally hope that their problems will disappear, he says. The consequences can be disastrous: Recently, one client who'd kept postponing appointments was jailed.

Asking for emotional help can be just as crucial.

"If you don't ask for help, you're denying the other person the opportunity to have that connection and intimacy with you," says Kathy Henry, a therapist at Family Tree Counseling Associates in Carmel, Ind.

Refusing to ask for help also hurts those you care about.

She knows from experience. Henry felt like she was doing her husband a favor by taking care of household matters herself. "Because I didn't ask him to help cook, take care of the kids, take them to haircuts and that sort of thing, I was also depriving my husband of the opportunity to connect with the children," she says.

Though she had to force herself to let go at first, it became easier when her husband and children would come back from errands laughing and having a good time.

"You don't grow when you're comfortable," Henry says. "You have to let yourself be uncomfortable."

It's best to practice by asking for small favors — or by asking questions, since answers are a type of help.

"If you asked someone for a little bit of help and it went well, then you feel more confident when you have a bigger need," Quinn says.

The asking may be the hard part, but the benefit lies in the aftermath. When you feel true gratitude, it completely changes your outlook, Klaver says.

"Problems become opportunities and issues become challenges," she says.

For Zuckerberg, helping clients facing bankruptcy is far more fulfilling than his old job at a corporation because he gets to help people directly.

"I've got a whole drawer of thank-you letters," he says.