Image, equality, respect are the foundation for a nonviolent society

There are more questions than answers. Why so many murder-suicides this year? How can people do this to their children? What can we do? Why didn't we know? Maybe we weren't looking. Or maybe we didn't want to see what was there.

In a search on murder-suicides, I found that murder-suicide is uncommon. That's not the case here — not this year. Spousal murder-suicide is the most common type in Western countries, and is committed primarily by men. In the United States, men commit 57 percent of simple spousal homicides, but 90 percent of spousal murder-suicides. The reason for this imbalance is that for women, spousal homicide is a desperate means of deliverance from an abusive relationship, whereas for men, it is often a way to maintain control over their partner unto death.

The analysis of intimate partner violence, which guides practice and training of professionals, contains an understanding that battering is a pattern of behavior used by one partner to control the other partner. There are a variety of tactics used, which are reinforced by acts of physical violence, but can be as subtle as demeaning one's lover with words or expectations, behaving in an intimidating manner or isolating a person from family, friends, work or school.

Research published by the National Institute of Justice reveals that by the end of four years of college, 88 percent of women had experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual victimization in their lifetime; 64 percent had experienced both. Almost 78 percent experienced at least one incident of physical victimization in their lifetimes and 79 percent experienced at least one incident of sexual victimization. The reality of gender-based violence cannot be denied.

Despite the data and the experiences of work being done on the ground, people still question the assertion that violence against women and children is a crime that should be taken seriously, and that accountability for this violence rests squarely with the perpetrators. The truth is diluted by disagreement or a belief that somehow men are being unfairly blamed. The reality is we are being sidetracked by feverish debate about women being violent, or manipulative, as well as unrelenting victim blaming: Why didn't she leave? Why is she leaving and denying her children's father the right to see his children? This hampers communitywide attempts to mobilize resources, help families and change social norms.

There is increasing recognition across the country — and here locally — that we must have full participation by men in our efforts to end violence. It had always been believed that this is a women's issue — quite the contrary. Men can stop their own violence, address the issue with other men, take leadership roles in their families as role models, or in their workplaces as corporate leaders. It is crucial that they make a commitment, along with women, to scrutinize our institutions, agencies and personal lives to assure that change and enlightenment continue.

We need to remain vigilant and fervent in our willingness to see the issue of violence in our intimate relationships as key to the well being of our communities. The opportunity that presents itself when these kinds of tragedies occur is the opportunity for each one of us to look around, look inside, look nearby and see what we can do. Is there someone we know we have been concerned about? Can we put at the top of our priority list the development of workplace policies to support victims? Can we offer personal resources of time or money?

Do we want to save lives? Do we want our children to grow up in safe families? This is going to require a paradigm shift. Equality, respect, shared power in intimate partnerships, and fair earning power for both genders are the foundation upon which a non-violent future rests. The values and norms that condone domestic violence are heartfelt, long-held, and widely shared. We are still leading our children astray by conditioning them with messages about masculinity and femininity. Media images, lyrics and cultural values reinforce the notion that someone in each relationship has to be in charge, and can use whatever means necessary to be in control.

The stakes are high right now. People are experiencing a great sense of powerlessness. It's time to inspire the kind of change it is going to take to truly end the violence.

Nanci Kreidman is executive director of the Domestic Violence Action Center. She wrote this commentary for The Advertiser.