The leadership shown by The Honolulu Advertiser is a gift that can keep on giving. Now none of us can say that we don't know much about domestic violence or that we didn't know this was such a big problem. The series and the brilliance of writers, editors, graphic artists and photographer are obvious and precious.

Everything couldn't be included. Having developed a few of our community's programs, worked directly with hundreds of victims and perpetrators for many years, taught college-level classes, delivered speeches and specialized training, and worked to educate myself about the complexity and the magnitude of the problem, have convinced me of several things.

After reading the pieces published each day, I am grateful yet left with the feeling that more needs to be explained. It is important for our community to understand the analysis we use to explain the presence and incidence of domestic violence — the social norms that dictate family practices, definitions of masculinity and the cultural context in which all this domestic violence happens is fertile ground for its perpetuation.

Violence by men against women does not exist in a vacuum. We live in a violent world, where violence is glorified and people with power have privilege and opportunity. Boys and men are provided with prescriptive ideas about the mandate and the right to have power, authority and responsibility for themselves and those close to them. They see that kind of domination as an opportunity to get what you want and get others to do what you need.

These ideas are not limited to low-income people, unemployed people, people of certain ethnic groups, people without education. But the lingering feeling and message is that most of us don't know anyone like those featured in this week's series. We don't have a daughter who has dropped out of high school, or we aren't immigrants, we are not in the military, or we have only been to traffic court.

Or perhaps we think we are wealthy, and fortunate, have a college education and a social network. But we are keeping a big secret. We cannot tell a soul; this problem doesn't happen to people like us. And if it does, we have what we need to get away. Resources are at our disposal and options are plenty.

My professional experience teaches me that the paradigm and the misconceptions about domestic violence are sturdy and abiding. Creating change in gender relations, demonstrating leadership, working together toward a practical goal of bringing peace to our Island families is still out of reach.

There also exists a disconnect between the values we say we hold, and those our leaders espouse and our commitment to living those values. If we believe that children are our future and family is at the core of a healthy community, why is it that philosophical and procedural compromises are abundant in these areas and budget cuts are always aimed at children and what will help families thrive?

The commitment and investment by The Honolulu Advertiser is a giant step toward breaking through the barriers, the boardroom, the boredom with the issue and the bankruptcy of our gender affairs. We will continue to face a costly, cumbersome path. Equality, respect, safety and personal choice are key to the journey. Each of us must look within and — you know the phrase — be the change you wish to see. That means notice what you do, what is near you and what you can do to make a difference in some small or large way to pave the way for the peace we all crave.

Nanci Kreidman is chief executive officer for the Domestic Violence Action Center. She wrote this commentary for The Advertiser.