A Salute to the Fallen

Read the stories of fallen service members with Hawai'i ties, most of whom were killed in Iraq and Afghanistan since the spring of 2003. Follow our coverage of Hawai'i troops and read the messages from friends and family in Dispatches.

The Waipahu woman doesn't want to erase it, and finds comfort in hearing his voice.

"Hi, I can't get to the phone right now," Eugene Williams says in the standard greeting, but with the laid-back tone he was known for. "Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Four-year-old Monica, a daughter he never got to meet, wears a dog tag with a picture of her smiling father, and the inscription, "My Daddy, My Hero."

Williams, 24, was killed on March 29, 2003 — 10 days after the start of the Iraq war. His older daughter, Mya, now 8, was just 3 at the time.

Seven years after the invasion of Afghanistan, and five years after the start of the war in Iraq, the wounds of a nation continue to bleed, and it is that type of sacrifice that Americans honor on this Memorial Day.

Williams was the first U.S. military member with Hawai'i ties to be killed in either Iraq or Afghanistan. He was with the 3rd Infantry Division out of Fort Stewart, Ga., but a few years earlier, he had been based at Schofield Barracks.

It was then that he met his wife-to-be at a friend's barbecue. Brandy Williams, a 1995 Sacred Hearts graduate, fell for his smile, sense of humor and laid-back charm.

Many more have marched in Williams' footsteps as the list of Hawai'i's fallen from Iraq, Afghanistan and Kuwait has grown.

Two hundred thirty three others, to be exact.

As of Friday, 4,082 U.S. service members in total had been killed in Operation Iraqi Freedom; another 432 had been killed in and around Afghanistan.

Navy Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, exhorted the nation to remember the ultimate sacrifice made by men and women for their country, in what is the truest cost of war.

"It is the hardest currency of all, once spent never to be recouped, a debt we can never truly, fully repay," Mullen said.

GRIEVING FAMILIES

Behind each name, and the newspaper photo of a grieving spouse or mother receiving a folded American flag, is a struggle to carry on — the flip side to the sacrifice made by combatants who die on the battlefield.

Families like the Williams continue to bear that cost in ways big and small, even after five years.

Because she was among the first wives to lose a husband in Iraq, Brandy Williams had to battle the loneliness of not having other widows to turn to, in addition to the bureaucracy that followed her husband's death.

She lives with her mom and dad, and her father "is wonderful with the girls — he's like their father figure."

Her two daughters also have been a source of strength.

"I noticed that Mya, especially, could sense when I was having a bad day, and she would get upset at the same time, too," Brandy Williams said. "So I learned to hide it for a while, but it hit me really hard one day, and I was like, I have to accept this, and come to terms with it."

It was her "wake-up call," she said. She received some therapy, and it helped her open up her feelings.

"Now, down the road, I can say that we're doing OK," she said. "We never forget the pain and how much we miss Eugene, but we're doing good."

But her older daughter, Mya, increasingly has difficulties with the loss of her father.

"She misses him, and it's getting to her," Williams said.

For Eugene Williams' mother, Betty, the pain of her son's loss is palpable in her voice.

"They say it gets better, but it doesn't," the 51-year-old Poughkeepsie, N.Y., resident said by phone. "That's how I feel. I miss him more and more."

HELPING THE SURVIVORS

This Memorial Day weekend, as on the last two before, Brandy Williams is with her daughters at a program in the Washington, D.C., area run by TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

Today, the family will be at Arlington National Cemetery for the observance.

The National Military Survivor Seminar put together by the non-profit TAPS group was expected to gather about 500 adult family members and 300 children with loved ones who died in service.

The program has helped Brandy Williams. There is a "Good Grief Camp" for young survivors, and counseling for adults.

"It's just absolutely wonderful," Williams, 31, said. "I can't say how much it means for my girls to be with other children who have lost their mother or father in the war. For me, too, it's a bonding experience with all the other widows."

Eugene Williams left for the Middle East before the war began. He was with the 3rd Infantry Division out of Fort Stewart, Ga., and Brandy was six months pregnant with daughter Monica.

He was killed on March 29, 2003, north of Najaf, when a man posing as a taxi driver detonated a car bomb after beckoning for help. Three other soldiers also were killed.

His younger brother, Eric, who also was in the Army and was at the same base in Iraq, identified the body and escorted it back to Hawai'i. Eugene Williams was buried at Mililani Memorial Park.

NO ONE TO TALK TO

In Hawai'i, there were few other spouses then who had gone through a similar loss. Six months after Eugene's death, Brandy met the widow of a Marine who had been killed in Iraq.

"Before that, I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody," she said. "Nobody knew what I was going through."

The first year was a complete blur. "I have things that I can't even remember, and are very foggy," Williams said. "But having that one person to talk to, and having somebody that you know you can reach out to is very important."

She eventually received about $400,000 in insurance and other government death benefits.

"It sounds like a lot, but it's not," she said. "I couldn't even think about money the first year, or the second year. So the money helped with everyday living expenses, but when I think about the future, it scares me."

She also has navigated the bureaucracy of other benefits, including finding out that three years after her husband's death, she had to start paying for medical benefits.

ANGER — AND RESOLVE

Betty Williams, Eugene's mother, said she would be at a Memorial Day ceremony tomorrow in Highland, N.Y., where the family used to live.

Asked how she remembers her son, Betty Williams said, "How does a mother answer that? He's special. He's just my son and special. Just the things he did. Like always calling me, letting me know how he's doing."

Looking back, Betty Williams is bitter about the war in Iraq. "Why were we messing with Saddam Hussein when we were looking for Osama bin Laden?" she asks. "Two completely different things."

Brandy Williams said part of her "just wants us to leave (Iraq) and have all of our soldiers come home safely." She doesn't want other families to go through what she went through.

"But it's tough. My husband was over there fighting for our freedom, sometimes people take that for granted," she said. "My husband was very proud to be in the Army and go over there."

There remains a lot of pain.

"I think it's something that will never go away," she said. "I've learned to kind of deal with it. I have mostly good days, still some bad days, where it's hard. But I know I've got to get up. I know I've got to get out of bed. I know I've got to take the girls to school. It (his death) is there, and I think it will always be there. We still miss him tremendously."