It's hard to picture Laura Dewan nervous.

The Sacred Hearts Academy science teacher strides across the room the day of open house to greet Brian Wong, whose two daughters have been her charges. If there's anything Dewan exudes, it's the sense that she leads the young fillies in this classroom around by the nose.

But one thing does make Dewan nervous: Hearing other teachers share about parents who have taken down bigger and more experienced teachers than her. Still, in the face of conflict, she doesn't get her hackles up.

"If a parent comes to me, angry or upset, I try to help them with whatever the problem is," said Dewan, with the earnestness of a second-year teacher. "I want to understand it."

It's good Dewan is filled with optimism, because she's going to need it. Contentiousness between parents and teachers is at an all-time high, one Hawai'i schools administrator reports. But efforts are also afoot to find a way back to common ground.

COMMON SENSE CAN BE LACKING

There are times these days when PTA seems to stand for parent-teacher antagonism.

A litigious society is partly at fault, said Meredith Maeda, principal at Castle High. He says teachers sometimes walk on eggshells for fear of a lawsuit.

"Times have changed because society has changed," he said. "Sometimes ... common sense just goes out the door."

Maeda not only has served as principal for a decade, he also is the father of three grown children. Back in the day, it never crossed his mind that if he said something wrong, he could get sued.

"It was more in collaborative spirit," he recalled. "Nowadays, we have to build that relationship. We see that the more apt we are to open up, then the focus really is not on compliance, necessarily, but what's best for the student."

Maeda projects improvement; he thinks the situation has peaked after two decades of increasing pressure.

A TEACHER'S TAKE

Much has been written lately about overprotective parents who find it hard to relinquish control over their children, even at school, and in some cases, this can be a factor.

That's the take for "Tales from the Teacher's Lounge" author Rob Wilder, a teacher at a tony New Mexico prep school. In Wilder's view, the "crazy helicopter parent" who sides with a child rather than educators when there is a problem is creating pressure on the system.

"Teachers are supposed to take a class, 30 kids, all with different learning styles, and help them prepare for the world," said Wilder, whose two hilarious books have been optioned for film and television. "If we have a little slip-up — say, we don't remember Johnny is allergic to corduroy — it's a catastrophe."

With pen at the ready, he's taking on parents who eschew conferences because they conflict with "Survivor," people who refuse to volunteer and just about anyone who wants to comment on a teacher, period.

"There should be a gag order, unless you have subbed in school full time for one week," he said.

Being in the class teaches you that there are two sides to every story, he said, especially when Johnny, age 7, is what he euphemistically calls "an unreliable narrator."

"He'll say, 'The teacher yelled at so-and-so,' " said Wilder. "Well, you find out later, it's because so-and-so's hair was on fire."

When it comes to child-teacher conflict, Wilder advises parents to open up dialogue to address the situation.

How can a parent do that effectively? First, he said, remember that teachers appreciate being appreciated, especially since most truly want what's best for their students.

"My brother worked in a middle school, and less than 1 percent of students would ever come back and thank him. If you're getting only complaints all the time, you put up some pretty thick glass with everyone else," said Wilder, whose daughter attends the school where he teaches.

Wilder encourages his daughter to see things from the teacher's point of view. "Try to think what it's like to teach you and your pals," he'll suggest.

It also helps, Wilder said, when teachers can remember what it's like to be a student.

PARENTS MORE IN TUNE?

Could what some call "helicopter parenting" really just be an indication of a new generation of parents who are more in tune with their children?

Fellow Sacred Hearts parent Terri Monis is very close to her daughter, Cheyenne, 12, and knows today's parents have a different relationship with their kids.

"In the old days, it was, 'I'm the mom, you're the child,' " said Monis, whose daughter is in Dewan's class.

She remembers a particular incident in summer school involving a caustic remark from a teacher that caused her and a few other parents to step in.

"It prompted us to confront the situation," she said, adding that the parents met with the principal, and the issue was resolved.

"When situations come up, say, something happened, I'm more apt to believe my daughter," she said. "My husband and I have a very close relationship with (our) daughter. We know her character."

Society encourages that closeness, too: Parents today are expected to know where their kids are, while anti-drug messages spur them to keep track not just of their keiki, but their keiki's friends.

"All parents have heard it's best to be in touch, know what's going on," Monis said.

And she's OK with being more involved.

Monis particularly likes the Edline Web site at Sacred Hearts, which keeps students on track, and even lets parents monitor homework assignments and absences — something Monis is grateful didn't exist when she was a student.

"I remember, once in a great while, I would cut school," she said. "Now, I know when she's late. 'I dropped you off, I thought, at 7! Why is there a late notice here?'

"I'm glad I live in today's world. As a kid, I was able to get away with it. As a parent, I don't wanna be, like, 'Sucker!' It's an awesome tool for parents."

And there's the hard truth: With colleges becoming more competitive, it's important to make sure kids succeed and excel, Monis said.

"It's a financial investment. When you are putting money down, there are higher expectations. That's what possibly means jumping on teachers. We're paying good money. ... Parents are quicker to jump when they hear certain things about scoring or homework."

Fellow Sacred Hearts parent Wong, who showed up early for open house at Dewan's classroom, also likes Edline. But he doesn't worry about every mark on the school Web site, where he can track his daughters' test scores and homework.

"It's more important to me that children learn how to learn," he said, emphasizing the "how."

STRONGER BOND

Administrators can help strengthen the bond by encouraging parents to make a direct connection with their teachers and their schools.

Many parents want to support teachers, said Valerie Sonoda, president of the Hawaii State Parent Teacher Student Association, but sometimes, they're not being welcomed.

"When parents offer to help, they're given yard duty, filing or copying," she said, suggesting that there are better options available for capable parents.

Sonoda suggests administrators find ways to bring parents into the fold, capitalizing on their strengths.

"We have to create an environment where parents are welcome," she said. "Somewhere along the line, we lost that."

The consensus is that getting to know the teacher one-on-one is the best way to avoid conflict.

That's not always easy at a public high school like Maeda's, where one teacher might be seeing 100 to 150 students. It's hard enough to get to know all the students, let alone all their parents.

To counter that, Maeda and other administrators are setting up homeroom-style environments where students keep in touch with at least one teacher through all four years — someone who not only helps them through the school year and plans for after graduation, but who might open up communication at home.

"All in all, people on all sides have to start seeking to understand what's happening; first, what you have control over, what you don't, then work together for what's best for students," said Maeda.