It is hurricane season and two storms have already headed our way from the coasts of Mexico and Central America. This is an "El Nino year," which means that weather pattern will be directing storms toward Hawai'i the way a bowler aims for the ten pin. The main thing is to be prepared should a hurricane come our way. Here are some tips that should help keep you safe, or at least amused:

• Take videos of your house before you leave for the hurricane shelter. This will enable you to later identify your house out of the pile of houses that have been blown down the street like Monopoly pieces. And if you can't find your house after the storm, you'll still have the video to show your grandkids.

• Consider booking a room in a nearby town or state. That's what the official "Hurricane Tips" list says. Doesn't really work in Hawai'i, since if your town is in danger it's likely every town on the island is, too. And from Hawai'i, the closest nearby state isn't even nearby. If you have the bucks, go to Las Vegas. You'll be able to bet on the latest odds that you'll find your house when you get home.

• If you have compromising photos at home of your boss making hoochie-koochie with the members of the office night cleaning staff that you are keeping for job security purposes, they should be relocated to a safe-deposit box in a storm-proof bank. Any special photos of your family (i.e., children growing up, graduations, successful parole hearings, etc.) should also be moved to a safe location, but the boss photos are the most important.

• Put your pet in a secure location. Duct-taping your dog or cat to your garage wall is not a great idea. It would be better to duct-tape them to a shower stall. If you don't have duct tape, use a surfboard leash — that way at least they'll stay with the house.

• Stockpile a "hurricane kit" to help you get through the post-hurricane days, when there is likely to be no power or water. The kit should include beer, water, beer, Spam, beer, duct tape, beer, flashlights, beer, candles, beer, beef jerky, beer, potato chips, beer and beer. Also: beer. Your corner bar also could be considered your "hurricane kit," since it comes already stocked with the necessities.

• If you decide to stay in your house during the hurricane proper, be prepared to experience some unusual atmospheric phenomena, not limited to barns flying by outside your window, flying cows, witches on bicycles and some annoying little girl crying "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" for hours.

• Put big masking tape X's on all of your windows. This will give flying debris something to aim at.

• Some people put plywood over their windows, but it has been shown that plywood attracts hurricanes in the same way that trailer parks attract tornados. Listen, just forget the darned windows, OK? They're windows, for cripes sakes. Get to duct-taping that cocker spaniel to the shower stall.

• After the storm, keep an eye out for looters. Sometimes they have quality merchandise at very reasonable prices.

Read Charles Memminger's blog at http://charleyworld.honadvblogs.com.