I was thumbing through one of my favorite books, "The Book of Useless Information," when I came across a section that listed weird words you likely never heard of. Like, a "deltiologist" is someone who collects postcards. That is pretty useless information. But then I started thinking, if a "deltiologist" collects postcards, is a "DeltaBurketiologist" someone who collects postcards that feature hefty sitcom actresses?

The more useless words I learned, the more questions I had. Here are a few:

• If a "funambulist" is a tightrope walker, is a "notsofunambulist" a tightrope walker who falls off and plummets into canyons?

• If a "horologist" measures time, does a "horrorologist" measure the length of Steven King novels?

• A "librocubicularist" is someone who reads in bed. So a "Libracubicularist" must be someone who reads his horoscope in bed.

• A sultan's wife is called a "sultana." Is a sultan's mother called a "Montana"?

• If killing a king is called "regicide," is killing a morning talk show host called "Regisicide"?

• Spat-out food is called "chanking." Is that why they call non-spat-out food "choking"?

• If "diastima" refers to a gap between your teeth, is a "fiestima" the space between Mexican celebrations?

• The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." So the word "sambavalencia" must mean "to rub Florida navel oranges together."

• Women who wink at men are called "nictitating women." Women who get paid for winking at men are called, well, "entrepreneurs."

• If a poem written to celebrate a wedding is called an "epithalamium," is a poem written to celebrate a divorce called an "epitaphalamium"?

• A scholar who studies the Marquis de Sade is not called a "sadist," but a "Sadian." So a scholar who studies teen idols of the American 1950s must be called a "Fabian."

• If a "dendrologist" studies trees, does a "zendrologist" study metaphysical trees?

• "Dibble" means "to drink like a duck." Does "dribble" means drink like a drunken duck?

• "Groaking" is to watch people eat with the hopes they will offer you some food. "Croaking" is what happens to you when you don't get any food and starve to death.

• "Karaoke" means "empty orchestra" in Japanese. In South Dakota, "karaoke" means "empty cocktail lounge."

• If a "frontal lobotomy" is an operation on the front part of the brain, is a "frontal lobootomy" just a swift kick in the head?

• "Scatology" is the study of feces. I have nothing to say about that. I just thought you should know that there's an actual job involving studying poopie and it has an official name.

Here are a few random thoughts on words and phrases I want to leave you with.

• The phrase "jet lag" was called "boat lag" before airplanes existed and "yak lag" before boats were invented and "foot lag" before someone got brave enough to try riding a yak.

• A next-to-last event is "penultimate." A second-to-last event is "antepenultimate." I guess the third-to-last event is "My-god-this-play-is-never-going-to-end!"

• Sir Thomas Crapper is the English chap whom many credit with the invention of the toilet. That's why his last name has become an ignoble interchangeable moniker for the porcelain convenience. Guess we were lucky he didn't invent a candy bar or the automobile.

Read Charles Memminger's blog at http://charleyworld.honadvblogs.com.