In Hawai'i, tradition can pay off

• More guidelines on envelope ethics

By Wayne Harada
Advertiser Staff Writer

The envelope, please.

No, this is not Oscar talk. In Hawai'i, those on the receiving end of gifts at landmark events — weddings, birthdays, graduations and funerals — favor monetary gifts over material items.

Clearly, this poses a dilemma for the donor: How much is enough? There are no guidebooks or rules when it comes to stuffing greenbacks into an envelope.

The overwhelming evidence of envelope domination can be best seen at funerals, where precious few send flowers anymore.

Blame it on the Japanese, whose tradition it is to tuck money into an envelope as a gesture of good will and sympathy at a funeral. It's called koden, and the practice is widely prevalent in other cultures in Hawai'i as well.

"That tradition has become standard protocol for funerals here," said George J. Tanabe Jr., a professor of religion and chairman of the Department of Religion at the University of Hawai'i. "I don't see any change, any weakening of the practice, which has been around a long time and seems to be a fixed part of the protocol and etiquette at funerals even in other cultures. I mean, you wouldn't go to any funeral now without taking an envelope. The habit has also transferred to happier celebrations, like weddings."

But especially with the graduation and wedding seasons fast approaching, the questions loom: How much should be placed in the card with your note of condolences? How much is ample, without going bankrupt, to congratulate a bride and groom? To wish a nephew good luck and good fortune on his graduation?

"You give what you can, and feel good about it," said Gail Kaneshiro, a wedding adviser at A Perfect Hawai'i Wedding. "But the economy plays a big role in how much people give. And in Hawai'i, a lot of couples come to expect (monetary) help from the gifts they receive. They appreciate money."

'Society is changing'

Pam Futa-Campbell, former owner of the John Robert Powers model agency and an etiquette guru in Honolulu, said that as recently as 10 years ago, it was considered somewhat uncouth to simply give moolah at a marriage celebration. But no more.

"Society is changing, and couples now prefer to receive gift certificates or money, so they can pull together their resources to get something they really want and need," said Futa-Campbell. "There are no rules, no formulas. But clearly, you should take into consideration what the couple is spending on the reception, and give accordingly."

Considering meals and party sites can help determine how much a couple is spending, and how much you ought to give, Futa-Campbell said. A reception at the Kahala Mandarin Oriental will assuredly cost the couple a lot more than an affair at, say, McCully Chop Suey.

"The seasoned wedding-goers know this and will figure how much a meal might cost for two, then give a little extra as the 'gift.' With so many young people responsible for the cost of the wedding, it makes sense," said Futa-Campbell.

"We've become an envelope culture, and an outsider looking in may think it's all excessively done," said Tanabe about prevailing mores on giving. "Within local culture, it's widely accepted to give an envelope — so, often, you need to explain why you do it with the ones unfamiliar with it."

Bridgette Adams, publisher and editor of Hawai'i Bride & Groom magazine, was precise with proper amounts for monetary gifts. "Figure on $50 per person, or $100 a couple, as a minimum," said Adams. "It's still a matter of how much you can afford, but that's how much the typical couple spends on a reception these days."

If cash is given for a wedding, the $50 per person minimum seems right, said Cherye Pierce, an active voice and expert on cultural protocol. But for a formal wedding, said Pierce, it's fitting and proper for a gift to be sent to the bride before the wedding. "For the most part, you just don't haul your gift to the reception," she said.

Card often part of gift

For graduation and birthday monetary gifts, Ava Stottlemyer of Paper Roses at Ward Centre says that even card manufacturers have realized that this has emerged as an envelope-giving generation. "We carry a lot more graduation money cards now" she said, equating the number to the widening practice of monetary gifts for grads.

"In this day and age of a fast-paced society, it's an easy thing to give and to receive," she said of cash. "As for how much to give, our standard advice to those who ask is, how close are you to the party? Blood-related? It's a big thing, especially with the Asian population, who always want to save face. It's better to go over than under, so if you're thinking $20, better put in two $20s."

And, she said, the discriminating money-giver prefers to buy an attractive hand-crafted card that is not designed as a money card, to be part of the gift. "A lot of people would rather pay $6 for a special card than $3 for a standard card," she said.

In the Jewish community, however, there's some division on when the gift rules over the envelope.

Said Pierce: "Money in an envelope is appropriate for a bar mitzvah (the coming-of-age ceremony for boys) and bat mitzvah (the equivalent for girls). When I was growing up, boys would save the money for a down payment for their first car," she said. Or to add to a college kitty.

"Girls spend the money," said Pierce.

Inflation affects amount

While the envelope thing began as a Buddhist tradition, said Tanabe, the practice in Japan has gone beyond Buddhist funerals and extended to those of Shinto and even Christian faiths. "Everybody gives envelopes," he said.

Tanabe often is asked about guidelines and advice, not only from lay people but local ministers, about the essence of koden.

"Koden is what is given to a family at a funeral, and nowadays ranges roughly from $10 to $50, depending on how well you know the deceased or the family. But it could go to $100, too. That's pretty low compared to Japan, where the koden goes into the hundreds. The sum is not fixed and, interestingly, inflation has not affected how much people give at a funeral."

In Hawai'i, a monetary gift of $20 or $25 seems to be the norm, and relatively accepted, he said. But it's been that way for years. (Remember when, decades ago, you could also give $25 for a wedding reception?)

"Because it's an expression of condolences, it comes off as cheap if you give anything less," said Tanabe. "A $5 donation might do in a group collection, but it's cheap."

In Japan, the koden has an extended practice called koden gaeshi, where the recipient of the original koden returns a gift of sorts as a thank you for the expression of condolences. "A card is usually good enough, but people have been tucking in a book of stamps. Traditionally, it would be a little gift — a little bowl, perhaps — to express appreciation for the original gesture."

For funerals, Piece prefers a contribution to the favorite charity of the deceased. "You just don't bring money to a funeral," she said about Jewish tradition.