How to raise a child
Making choices critical aspect of childhood development
By Zenaida Serrano Espanol
Advertiser Staff Writer
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| Illustration by Greg Taylor
How to raise a child A year-long series of stories to help parents encourage positive traits in their children. • Anger management |
"Do you have to go to the bathroom?" asked her mother, 36-year-old Pamela Gasinski.
"No," Hannah replied, not wanting to interrupt their shopping excursion.
"I knew she was lying," said Gasinski, recalling the incident. The Hawai'i Kai resident waited until her daughter finally told the truth, then rushed to the bathroom.
Teaching children to make smart decisions can and should start early.
And that's none too soon. Whether it's deciding to tell the truth or lie, cut class or stay in school, or have sex or practice abstinence, experts say children and adolescents are constantly learning from the barrage of choices they must make, big and small.
Learning how to make smart decisions not only can help a child avoid negative or possibly dangerous situations — such as taking drugs or drinking and driving — but should also help children develop into responsible adults, experts say.
"It is important to raise a child who makes good decisions because your job is to prepare the child for independent living, which requires good choices," said parenting expert John Rosemond in a phone interview.
Pamela Merez, a clinical psychologist at Kapi'olani Counseling Center, said teaching a child how to make smart decisions also helps them develop good coping skills, self-confidence and an understanding of right and wrong and personal morals.
But raising a child to make wise choices isn't as simple for parents as talking to their kids about the good and the bad.
In fact, William Tsushima, a clinical psychologist at Straub, said that many parents may have inadvertently failed to train their children to make good decisions by giving their children all the right and wrong answers.
"I think for a child to survive, they have to learn to think on their own, or internalize," Tsushima said, "so that these values and these right and wrong ideas are in their heads and not something that was just simply spoon-fed to them."
When parents try to teach their children how to react to difficult situations, "they usually simply talk and explain," Tsushima said. "This is a kind of didactic teaching approach, and that's OK, but usually it's not enough."
Parents should model the behaviors that they want their kids to emulate, Merez said, such as avoiding swearing, and drinking and driving, or "just not doing things that are bad decisions." This applies to children of all ages because all children learn from example, she said.
Acting it out
For school-age children, role-playing exercises can play a strong role in developing principles and sharp decision-making skills, Tsushima said.
Tsushima recommends parents play the role of a peer of their child who might be encouraging bad behavior. Parents should use the same language, tone, prodding and taunting that the peer may use, "and the parent needs to see what the child does," he said. "The better you are at doing it, the more you'll really see real reactions."
Next, try role reversal, Tsushima said, in which the child becomes the peer and the parent becomes the child. "You ask the child to taunt you, and then you show them how you would handle it," he said.
While the subject of each pretend scenario may differ depending on the child's age, Tsushima said that such role-playing activities pertain to any kind of risky or undesirable behavior a child may want to engage in, whether it's stealing mangos from a neighbor's yard or taking drugs.
Role playing should not be done just once, Tsushima added. "The whole purpose of role-playing is, it's basically rehearsal, rehearsal of good behavior, and there's some practice involved."
Role-playing activities between a parent and child should continue, Tsushima said, even through adolescence.
"The fact that (teens may) know the general principles (and) general answers doesn't mean that they are prepared," Tsushima said, "and the way you can tell is by these artificial (scenarios)."
Teaching consequences
Child-development experts say that parents shouldn't assume that youngsters know the family rules, limits and expectations. "Parents need to be clear about what their expectations and rules are ... and what the discipline will be when the rules are broken," Merez said.
Rosemond added that parents should begin teaching their children early that every action is a choice, and that choices mean consequences.
"When (the child) realizes that some choices result in desirable consequences and other choices result in undesirable consequences, that causes the child to begin thinking through decisions," Rosemond said.
Parents should also let their children handle their "own battles," Merez said, such as minor disagreements that may take place on a playground.
"They learn to make decisions on their own because they're resolving conflicts within themselves and with peers," she said.
But in more difficult situations, as in cases that involve illegal substances, children need to know that they can go to their parents for help, said Dr. Ronald Hino, a pediatrician at Straub.
"Give them permission to solicit your help in case they're in a situation where they need to make a tough decision or something's not right," Hino said. "Tell them that they can call you and not feel like they're going to be come down on hard."
Penny Young of Hawai'i Kai, 58, said parents should allow their children to make mistakes.
"They have to learn from it and pick themselves up," said Young, the mother of three grown children, ages 20 to 31.
Honolulu resident Sherlin Kowal, 51, added that children can also learn from others' mistakes. Many children may be open to discussing the mistakes of others more so than discussing their own mistakes, said Kowal, the mother of three children, ages 21 to 26.
When something bad happens to a child's classmate or friend, such as if they get into a fight or are suspended from school, Kowal said, parents should take the opportunity to discuss the situation with their children, asking them questions such as "What did they do wrong?" and "How could they have handled it a different way?"
Gasinski said it is also important for parents to empower their children with the confidence that they can make the right decisions.
"I praise (my daughter) when she makes a good decision, and they're not empty praises," Gasinski said. "I tell her exactly what she did correctly."
Listening is key
While communication is an important tool in raising a child to be a smart decision-maker, Merez said that listening is just as significant.
"This is probably more important for a teen," Merez said.
When children talk to their parents about a problem, Merez said instead of immediately offering a solution, parents should paraphrase what the child is saying — a process called reflective listening.
Reflective listening helps the teen look at different options for how they can solve their problem, she said, rather than having the parent stepping in and solving it.
"At the same time, it shows that you care, because you're really listening to what they're saying and you care about what they think and feel," Merez said, "and that really tells the teen that you're supportive of them, and if they do make a bad decision, they could always come to you and talk about it."
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Decision-making literature abounds
Here are some books for both parents and children on the subject of making smart decisions:
Parents:
- "Four Steps to Responsibility: Techniques to Lead Children to Responsible Decision Making" (Love & Logic Press, $11.95)
- "Teen-Proofing: Fostering Responsible Decision Making in Your Teenager" (Andrews McMeel, $10.95)
- "Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Drugs and Choices" (Hyperion, $13.95)
Children and adolescents:
- "Bully on the Bus (A Decision is Yours Book)" (Parenting Press, $5.95)
- "Hunches in Bunches" (Random House, $14.95)
- "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Peer Pressure for Teens" (Alpha Books, $9.95)
- "Under Whose Influence? (A Decision is Yours Book)" (Parenting Press, $16.95)
Source: amazon.com
