Bridging cultural differences

• Making it work may require effort

By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer

Norman Gibson with his wife Becky (Cho Ling) are raising their son Daniel Him Yee in two cultures. Gibson is learning to speak Mandarin Chinese as one way to better understand and appreciate his wife's culture. Becky Gibson, who is from Hong Kong, speaks English fluently. Cory Lum • The Honolulu Advertiser

He's doing it for his family.

Gibson, who has lived in Hawai'i most of his life, recently married a woman from Hong Kong. Despite their cultural differences, the couple has found ways to overcome — and celebrate — what makes them and their relationship different from many.

"From my own perspective, I knew very little about Chinese culture before I married my wife," said Gibson, a 42-year-old resident of McCully and licensed marriage and family therapist at Straub Clinic & Hospital. "So this has been an education for me. And I think it's good. It's a blessing. I hope other couples are finding the same thing."

Times have definitely changed. Multi-ethnic and multicultural couples and families are more commonplace now than generations ago. In Hawai'i, where different cultures have mingled and meshed for decades, nearly 50 percent of all marriages are inter-ethnic.

"I think this (trend) will continue to increase," said Herbert Barringer, professor of sociology at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa, who specializes in Korean studies and ethnic studies. "There's every evidence that younger people are less and less interested in differences."

While multicultural couples have to deal with typical relationship difficulties, such as communication and honesty issues, experts say that they have added challenges because of their ethnic and cultural diversity.

"What I've found is that interracial couples have to work a little harder than those who marry within a race," said Gibson, who counsels many inter-ethnic couples and multicultural families. "Often it's because of misunderstandings or making assumptions based on their own cultures."

Different expectations

One of the biggest challenges that inter-ethnic couples face has to do with social expectations within the culture. "When you marry someone from a different culture, there's often a role conflict," said Deanna Chang, a visiting professor of sociology from Indiana University of Pennsylvania. "This is hard to deal with effectively, especially in intercultural relationships."

Each person may have different expectations of what their roles are in the relationship. Many times they feel they have to model their marriage after their parents'.

"A guy assumes because his mother cleaned the house and made all the meals that his wife should, too," Gibson said. "That's real common, that the male and female roles are confused. Both people have to compromise. If just one person compromises, the other person ends up getting resentful after a while."

Sometimes the couple can't compromise their values or cultural expectations. In those cases, Gibson said they should go their separate ways.

"It's better to be honest in the beginning than get into it (the marriage), have children and then decide it's not what you want," he said. "They'll modify their expectations if it's worth it to them."

And once the decision is made to compromise, the couple often faces the social standards of friends and family.

"It's not just culture, it's also social," Barringer said. "Social pressure includes family and friends. Sometimes (the couple) deals with it by isolation. Trying to isolate themselves and not interact isn't healthy either."

Many inter-ethnic couples encounter the scorn or disapproval from parents, who want to see their children marry within their own race. While this may be an emotional and often distressing obstacle in the relationship, it's not impossible to overcome or tolerate.

"That makes it really hard," Gibson said. "You have to decide if the bond between each other is strong enough to withstand the disapproval."

But couples can learn from this.

"Stick together as a family," Chang said. "Put them first. Then think, what can we do as a family to raise children who appreciate diversity and respect. Learn from it."

Barringer advises couples facing problems with family members who can't accept the inter-ethnic marriage to ignore the disapproval and try to integrate.

"Never think you can isolate yourself from the rest of the world," he said. "You may love each other and think that will overcome everything, but you can't just isolate yourself. You have to be part of that person's family and friends. You have to face that and make it work. Otherwise it'll be disaster."

Be an anthropologist

Language barriers are probably the most obvious challenge multi-ethnic couples face. Misunderstandings are common because of the difference in speaking and understanding levels.

"Something may mean one thing in one language and something entirely different in another," said Gibson, who admitted these misunderstandings are one obstacle in effectively communicating with his wife, Becky (Cho Ling). "Making assumptions about what the other (person) means and not taking time to find out what that person meant is common, but not (exclusive) to inter-ethnic marriages."

Inter-ethnic couples have to work a little harder at the already difficult task of communication.

"Flexibility is extremely important in interracial relationships," Gibson said. "Having to communicate and really talk and listen is critical. But even if you have to work a little harder, that process of negotiating the differences can enhance the relationship."

Immersing yourself in the other person's culture, including learning his or her language, may be one way to bridge the language gap.

Gibson, who's studying Chinese though his wife speaks fluent English, recommends couples learn about each other's culture and language.

"In bridging the two cultures, that very work of negotiating and learning about each other can deepen the relationship," said Gibson, who is, along with his wife, raising their 4-month-old son in both cultures. "I always say pretend to be an anthropologist, who tries to go into the culture with an attitude of curiosity. Learn as much as you can without being judgmental. That's a great way to appreciate the culture."