HAPPY TOGETHER
More couples choosing to personalize wedding vows

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

Stuck for what to say to your beloved on that special day?

At one point, about a decade ago, about one in 10 couples wrote their own vows. Now it's closer to three in five. Illustration by Martha Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser

The trend in vows is to personalize them. The number of couples who write their own wedding vows rather than follow a prepared script is noticeably up even from just last year, estimates Kim Kyles, a wedding consultant for Affordable Weddings of Hawai'i.

"It's turned into a big deal," said Kyles, whose firm caters to the local as well as international marriage market and has been in business for 25 years. At one point, about a decade ago, about one in 10 couples wrote their own vows, she estimated. Now it's closer to three in five.

But while it may be OK to quote a soap character at a gazebo on the beach in a civil ceremony with an interdenominational minister, what if you want to get married in your church?

Some denominations that require premarital counseling frown on deviating from vows prescribed by the church.

A periodic series of stories to guide couples through the wedding-planning season March 5 • More couples turn to the Web to plan weddings April 16 • Walking down the aisle, but off the bridal path May 6 • Bridesmaid gowns restyled as sleek and rewearable May 28 • Hawai'i performers tell their wedding stories

The Catholic church considers marriage a sacrament, with the priest acting as an official witness.

"If it's between two baptized people ... they minister the sacrament to each other," Alexander said. "That's one reason why sacramental preparation (premarital counseling) is so important."

Catholic couples are required to do four months of sessions with their priest or designated lay leaders, then attend an Engaged Encounter weekend retreat (with separate quarters, of course).

While stopping short of calling marriage a sacrament, the Rev. George Scott from Central Union Church said the largest Protestant church on O'ahu treats weddings as holy events.

"Keep in mind, it's still honorable to God," Scott said.

He said that while Central Union's ministers are willing to throw in contemporary homilies and take a pause before the ceremony for the couple to address each other or the congregation, "the wedding is important to God. It should be a service, not just a time to get together and state your love."

For folks who opt for writing their own vows, what are they saying?

Lutherans give couples the option of picking from one of three prepared vows, or writing their own, said the Rev. Doug Olson, pastor emeritus at Calvary-by-the-Sea Lutheran church. (None of the three, by the way, use the word "obey.")

Olson has heard quite a few variations on the theme in his days as pastor, which officially ended in April, but says that weddings are his favorite part of the job and that he'll continue to officiate even in retirement.

While Lutherans consider marriage a sacramental relationship— though not an official sacrament like baptism or communion — he prefers customized vows, which he called "refreshing."

"People who are expressing love are sometimes way more romantic than the church vows," he said. "Marriages where people promise to be lifelong friends are doomed to success. These kind of people end up calling each other Mom and Dad."

But Olson added he too has heard some vows so bad, "I just won't do them."

Like the couple who drafted vows full of all sorts of flowery language, but ended the vows with a conditional phrasing along the likes of "if we decide to really do this."

He told them their first draft wasn't going to cut it, and said, "Back to the drawing board, you two!"