honoluluadvertiser.com

Sponsored by:

Comment, blog & share photos

Log in | Become a member
The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, May 27, 2002

HAPPY TOGETHER
More couples choosing to personalize wedding vows

 •  Catholics are allowed to write their own vows

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

Stuck for what to say to your beloved on that special day?

At one point, about a decade ago, about one in 10 couples wrote their own vows. Now it's closer to three in five.

Illustration by Martha Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser

You could download the wedding vows from "Days of Our Lives" or even go online for help to pen your own vows. Heed the warning atop the "Writing Your Vows" section of the Brilliant Weddings Web site, however: "This is going to require you to be a bit mushy and sappy."

The trend in vows is to personalize them. The number of couples who write their own wedding vows rather than follow a prepared script is noticeably up even from just last year, estimates Kim Kyles, a wedding consultant for Affordable Weddings of Hawai'i.

"It's turned into a big deal," said Kyles, whose firm caters to the local as well as international marriage market and has been in business for 25 years. At one point, about a decade ago, about one in 10 couples wrote their own vows, she estimated. Now it's closer to three in five.

But while it may be OK to quote a soap character at a gazebo on the beach in a civil ceremony with an interdenominational minister, what if you want to get married in your church?

Some denominations that require premarital counseling frown on deviating from vows prescribed by the church.

A periodic series of stories to guide couples through the wedding-planning season

March 5
More couples turn to the Web to plan weddings

April 16
Walking down the aisle, but off the bridal path

May 6
Bridesmaid gowns restyled as sleek and rewearable

May 28
Hawai'i performers tell their wedding stories

Diocese of Honolulu theologian the Rev. Marc Alexander said church law allows very little wiggle room in vows, which are part of the official wedding rites. Yet, he and tribunal chancellor John Ringrose agree that ultimately it's up to the priest.

The Catholic church considers marriage a sacrament, with the priest acting as an official witness.

"If it's between two baptized people ... they minister the sacrament to each other," Alexander said. "That's one reason why sacramental preparation (premarital counseling) is so important."

Catholic couples are required to do four months of sessions with their priest or designated lay leaders, then attend an Engaged Encounter weekend retreat (with separate quarters, of course).

While stopping short of calling marriage a sacrament, the Rev. George Scott from Central Union Church said the largest Protestant church on O'ahu treats weddings as holy events.

"Keep in mind, it's still honorable to God," Scott said.

He said that while Central Union's ministers are willing to throw in contemporary homilies and take a pause before the ceremony for the couple to address each other or the congregation, "the wedding is important to God. It should be a service, not just a time to get together and state your love."

For folks who opt for writing their own vows, what are they saying?

Online help

Wedding Vows Online
Download a worksheet on how to write your own vows.

Brilliant Weddings
Download five free ceremony scripts, or purchase the other 15 available online.

The Love & Romance Home Page
Includes pre-written vows, words for use in writing vows, poems.

Documents and Designs
A list of denominations' vows, as well as 300 others.

Ultimate Wedding
Besides finding the blessing of the Apaches and the Cherokee prayer, this site offers the Medieval ceremony, quotes from Shakespeare and, our favorites, a variety of vows from the daytime soap "Days of Our Lives" (including three Bo Brady weddings) and from the "Beverly Hills 90210" wedding of David and Donna.

USA Today in 1995 quoted a poll in which women (39 percent) were less likely to want to include the traditional Protestant phrasing "to honor and obey" in the wedding ceremony than men (52 percent).Bride's magazine did a reader survey in 2001 that found 72 percent of respondents said they planned to marry in a house of worship, but 66 percent would edit "obey" out of the vows, and 26 percent would write their own.

Lutherans give couples the option of picking from one of three prepared vows, or writing their own, said the Rev. Doug Olson, pastor emeritus at Calvary-by-the-Sea Lutheran church. (None of the three, by the way, use the word "obey.")

Olson has heard quite a few variations on the theme in his days as pastor, which officially ended in April, but says that weddings are his favorite part of the job and that he'll continue to officiate even in retirement.

While Lutherans consider marriage a sacramental relationship— though not an official sacrament like baptism or communion — he prefers customized vows, which he called "refreshing."

"People who are expressing love are sometimes way more romantic than the church vows," he said. "Marriages where people promise to be lifelong friends are doomed to success. These kind of people end up calling each other Mom and Dad."

But Olson added he too has heard some vows so bad, "I just won't do them."

Like the couple who drafted vows full of all sorts of flowery language, but ended the vows with a conditional phrasing along the likes of "if we decide to really do this."

He told them their first draft wasn't going to cut it, and said, "Back to the drawing board, you two!"