No: The two-letter word that empowers

By Richard Nilsen
Arizona Republic

You remember Dr. No? Well, here is professor No on behalf of one of the most useful words in the English language.

Although people talk of simplifying their lives, professor No is here to remind you that you can never simplify by doing something; you can simplify only by not doing something.

Just say no.

It is the yang to "yes" yin, and the universe cannot function without both.

Unfortunately, in America, "no" has become a dirty word. Americans like the positive attitude, the gung-ho approach to things. We feel actual moral disapproval of the word "no."

" 'No' don't get no respect," says Kim DeMotte, a St. Louis management consultant and author of "The Positive Power of No," to be published in the fall.

"There is a terrible cultural prejudice for the word 'yes,' and an unspoken avoidance of 'no.' "

Yet, "no" has such power.

"Yes" is kind of namby-pamby, "yes" doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. "Yes" is go along to get along.

"No" is emphatic, direct, take-no-prisoners. "No" means no.

It is time to rehabilitate the word "no."

To start with, the word "no" is about boundaries.

A common saying goes, "By the time a child is 5, he has heard the word 'no' 40,000 times."

As if that were a bad thing.

Ben Leichtling, a Denver psychotherapist, says: "There's a good reason little children learn to say no before they say yes. Self-preservation requires us to define the boundaries beyond which we won't let others go. And we parents say no to children to define the boundaries over which it's not safe for them to cross."

The word keeps children alive. But it also helps when we are adults.

"People being able to say no is essential to healthy relationships," says Mike Domitrz, a Milwaukee author and personal counselor. "If a partner in a relationship cannot say no, he or she is likely to be taken advantage of."

Saying no is at the core of self-esteem and self-respect, he says.

"If you don't say no, no one is going to respect you or accept you. Why? You don't stand for anything."

Saying no establishes your personal space and lets people know who you are.

Another great boon provided by the word: It simplifies your life and reduces stress.

It is a question of finding your inner no. When you are asked to perform more than you can do and give each task your best or when you are tapped emotionally more than your resources can replenish, you need to have a bottom line, a psychic redoubt that says, "This far and no further."

It allows you to give yourself fully to those things you can accomplish without frittering your life away on half-attempts.

As Houston clinical psychologist Joe Peraino puts it: "Saying no is a positive statement. When we say no to others, we are saying yes to ourselves, our dreams, our goals. Saying no does simplify our lives by limiting the number of obligations, activities and promises we make. It reduces stress."

The trick is to learn to say no diplomatically.

Don Maruska is a business coach from Morro Bay, Calif.

"Saying no is an essential requirement for high-performance results in business and personal life," he says. "I recall my Stanford Business School classmate Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems, telling me the most important part of his job was 'saying no nicely.' "

When you turn down extra work, you can give all your talent to the work remaining.

But it isn't just the small, personal effect of the negation. There is a big picture, too.

You can't have progress without turning your back on something.

From "Hell, no, we won't go" to Nancy Reagan's "Just say no," the key word is the negative. In some way, every important historical development starts with somebody saying no.

Dissatisfaction, after all, is the great inspirer of humanity. If we were all duck happy all the time, nothing would ever get done.

"People who are relentlessly positive don't know history," psychotherapist Leichtling says. "These 'positive' attitudes and affirmations get popular during boom times — affluence and self-indulgence. But when times get hard, they fade."

The world is a "sometimes place," he says.

"People who are relentlessly positive are usually afraid to face the real world, which says yes and no to plans, hopes and dreams.

"Our primary task is being passionate in the face of what life deals us."

To have a rich and full life in our time, you must say no.