Tips on avoiding 'chronic yesism'

Arizona Republic

"Many people have lost their 'no' in our can-do culture," Massachusetts management consultant Noah St. John says.

"This can lead to feeling like you're being pulled in a million directions, because if you find it hard to say no, you'll probably be at everyone's beck and call."

The first step in overcoming chronic yesism is to admit you have a problem. When you embrace your inner no, you can feel more comfortable using it, without the guilt.

You learn to employ your 'no' when you recognize you are overextended, either physically, with more work than you can accomplish well, or emotionally, with more demands on your psyche than you can grant without losing hair over it.

Here are useful strategies:

• Plot out in your mind how much you can accomplish or bestow and still maintain the highest quality you are capable of. After that, the no is warranted. You are off the hook.

• "If a choice is a 'maybe,' it's a 'no,' " says Don Maruska, a business coach from Morro Bay, Calif.

This is like the old wardrobe rule, "If you haven't worn it in five years, get rid of it." It takes the remorse out of making a decision: It's as if the task has been automated. Instead of hesitating, you move forward.

"Most consultants teach people to write a to-do list," New York management consultant Diane DiResta says. "But I say, write a things-not-to-do list. It's more powerful."

Such a list is like warning signs on the highway, keeping you alert.

• Most of all, don't let others make those decisions you need to make yourself.

As Grand Forks, N.D., human potentials consultant Robin Silverman puts it, "Let other people offer you opportunities to join them in good work and causes, but stop allowing them to decide what, where, when or how you will be involved."