By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer
You learn a lot of things when you stay home from work for a couple of days, things they never told you in school or college. Then again, we already knew that experience is the best teacher. So, here are a few truths I learned around the homestead recently. Call them perverse proverbs (with a tip of the hat to William Blake).
 The thrill of a new bread-making machine lasts exactly three loaves long.
Microwaves aren’t self-cleaning. Neither are self-cleaning ovens.
Ants rule!
Frozen things don’t stay fresh forever.
Making the bed every day is overrated.
Electricians are the real power brokers in this town.
The guy who said the sun shines equally on everyone never lived in Hilo.
People with jalousies have to wash 10 times as many windows as others.
The harder you work to clean something, the faster it gets dirty again.
An empty laundry basket is a beautiful thing.
Bread mold isn’t dangerous if you toast it first.
The more you snack, the fatter you get.
If the phone rings at dinner time, it must be somebody selling something.
If the phone rings before 8 a.m., it must be Mom.
Praise Jack Lord and pass the remote.
I’ve never met a nonstick pan that I couldn’t defeat.
A watched plant never blossoms.
You can’t make an omelet if you’re out of eggs.
The more you prune, the more you have to prune.
A mango in the tree is worth two on the ground.
Rusted fences annoy good neighbors.
For perfect rice every time, go to Zippy’s.
Tidy-Bowl a day keeps the silverfish away.
First-rate plumbers don’t make house calls.
The greatest step is out the front door.
Spoil the child and spare yourself the tantrums.
Nothing for nothing, and very little for a dollar either.
Don’t cry over spilt milk. Let the cats lick it up.
People who live in tree houses should buy stock in Terminix.
There are no ceiling fans in hell.
Grown men and fools should not play with edged tools.
You made your bed, so now the dog’s going to throw up on it.
Mum’s the word for mother in England.
To err is husband; to forgive is da wife.
The squeaky wheel gets the WD-40.
Dust never sleeps.
Be it ever so humble, it’s all the equity I’ve got.
Mike Leidemann’s columns appear Thursdays and Saturdays in The Advertiser. He can be reached by phone at 525-5460 or e-mail him at mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com
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