Posted on: Friday, May 27, 2005

Love triangle that never gets a kiss

Indianapolis Star

What, exactly, is an affair?

On the surface, that would seem like a simple question, but for some people, the line between fidelity and betrayal is fuzzy.

Former President Bill Clinton famously initiated a debate by asserting that his foreplay with a White House intern didn't count as sex because there was no intercourse.

Diane Shader Smith, author of "Undressing Infidelity," said she rationalized that a relationship with a man she'd met on a business trip didn't count because they never slept together. Her husband didn't see it that way.

"I was emotionally unfaithful," she said. "It was hard on my marriage."

Ultimately, Shader Smith's tango with temptation made her marriage stronger. She went on to write her book to support and guide other women struggling to honor their marriage vows.

Affairs are bad enough, but the lies and deception that spouses engage in to hide them are often far worse than physical betrayal, said David Wexler, author of "When Good Men Behave Badly."

"Even if the man has never had sex with the other woman, the fact that he's talking about really personal things that you'd normally discuss with a wife, and the lies and the deception that you're undertaking to cover these secret meetings, that's the betrayal," Wexler said.

"No marriage can survive in that atmosphere of lies."