Posted on: Sunday, December 5, 2004
Caregivers face range of emotions
By Zenaida Serrano
Advertiser Staff Writer
Ken Lee's mother moved in with him and his wife, Kathy, about 15 months ago, when her weight loss, failing health and dementia became serious concerns.
Deborah Booker • The Honolulu Advertiser "Most people don't realize what they're taking on," said Ken Lee, 60. "More than anything else, it's the day-to-day stress. It's waking up and being aware that you've got somebody to take care of."
The Lees are among the growing caregiving population in the United States, 44 percent of whom are men, according to the Honolulu Department of Community Services, Elderly Affairs Division. Ninety-five percent of home care for 126,000 people in Hawai'i is provided by relatives and friends.
The job is often overwhelming, Lee said, and beleaguered caregivers are in need of more affordable, personalized respite programs.
Tips for family caregivers:
• Share the load. Caregiving often falls on one family member — usually the spouse, an unmarried child or those who live the closest — but all family members can contribute in some way. Can one provide money to pay for services? Could another take Mom on weekends? Figuring out what the tasks are and what each can do help ease the burden. • Deal with your emotions. Most caregivers are unprepared for the emotions they have: sadness, fear, anger and guilt are very common feelings. Getting enough rest, taking breaks, eating well and seeking help from family members, friends and community agencies can help you deal with those emotions and stay well. • Include your elder loved one in tasks around the house. "You really need to make great efforts to include the person you're giving care to with whatever tasks and chores around the house, within the limits of what they could do," said Ken Lee, who cares for his 88-year-old mother, Mary. "If not, what happens is their skills disintegrate and even more so, they feel like an extra burden." Whether it's helping out in the kitchen for dinner or tidying up around the house, "they need to feel like they're part of something," Lee said. "It gives them great satisfaction."
Source: Honolulu Department of Community Services, Elderly Affairs Division Now, getting Lee's mother up in the morning, preparing her meals and driving her to medical appointments have become daily work for the couple.
The parent-child role reversal is emotionally draining, Lee said.
Feelings of depression, resentment, anger, guilt and denial often come with the caregiver's job, and may stem from fear and terror, Lee said.
Lee had watched as his father deteriorated mentally and physically, and now he sees his mother going down the same road.
"I think about how the same genes are coursing through my body," Lee said. "It affects me, thinking in 20 years, I probably will be the same way."
Lee retired from a federal civil-service job in January 2000, but he chose to return to work last January. As the disaster mental health coordinator for the American Red Cross, Lee is able to do some work from home and still care for his mother.
"I was just getting overwhelmed with the 24/7 caregiving," he said. Returning to work "was really to put some balance in my life, so I have a life outside of caregiving."
More respite from the weekly grind comes from the Furukawa Living Treasure Day Care Center, where Lee takes his mother twice a week.
Respite is an important part of a successful strategy for coping with a family member who needs constant care.
Lee values the services provided by the adult day-care center. Even the name of the facility helps him see his mother in a different light, he said.
"It has an effect on me, to look at her that way," Lee said. "Whatever she does, goofy or not, I know she is a living treasure, and I've got to find a way to always see her as a treasure."
The lives of the Moanalua Valley couple — former empty-nesters who were enjoying their free time together — haven't been the same since.
Ken Lee, 60, now takes care of his mother Mary, 88. They prepare dinner together at Ken Lee's Moanalua Valley home.
His mother, Mary, 88, had lived alone in her 'Aina Haina home since 1997, after the death of her husband. But "the last straw was when she burned up her kitchen," said Lee. She had forgotten food was cooking on the stove. No one was hurt, but it was too close of a call.
TAKING CARE OF FAMILY
